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Illustration by Marco Mancini

Great bar bores of the world No. 4325
No account of the Asian region would be complete without a brief description of one of the most well established and persistent of all the great bar bores of the world - Hateus Japanus Expatricus. This section will deal primarily with the male of the species, which is far more common in the Japanese islands. Instantly recognizable by a sizeable paunch and patchy skin, members of the species can be found throughout Japan although they tend to be in greater numbers in urban areas. A nocturnal creature, he is most comfortable in the Roppongi district or other downtown areas of the metropolis and can be glimpsed at play, frolicking among the city's undergrowth with complete abandon.

The most distinctive feature of this common but infinitely perplexing creature is its song. Despite being a hunter by nature, once the chances of a successful killing have all but left (about the time of the last train), Hatetus Japanus Expatricus will settle into a lengthy and quite distinctive monologue. Varying from a kind of high-pitched whine to a series of stammered gurgles. The song can last anywhere from 30 minutes to several hours (believed to be dependent on alcohol intake). Even experts who have monitored the behavioral patterns of these bizarre and fascinating beast have difficulty deciphering exactly what the song is designed for. As Dr Dave Calculus of the University of California explains, "We are fairly certain that it is a form of communication. Occasionally, there does appear to be a glimmer of recognition on the faces of other members of the group. They will nod or shake their heads at various points during the recital. Why, exactly, we are not too sure, but it's almost as if they are talking to each other. Incredible really."

A typical song is based upon this simple rhythmical pattern. To gain full authenticity, drink ten pints of lager and slur slightly: "The thing I hate about Japan is blah blah de blah desu ne. Blah blah the way they blah de blah blah they always stare blah blah blah desho ... another thing blah blah where's me pint? ... Blah blah they can't speak a word of English blah blah ... blah not like that at home blah blah desu ne ... blah back in my country blah blah desu ne ... etc." If accompanied by female of adopted country the word "daijoubu," which is believed to be a question, is added every half hour). Notice the occasional use of the native language of the country they are in - some experts say that this may actually be an attempt to acquire a functional form of communication. Other fields of thought believe it to be just "talking a load of old crap."

Many thanks to Stephen Cotterill for this Rant.