|RANT 'N' RAVE|
Hateus Japanus Expatricus
Illustration by Marco
Great bar bores of the world No. 4325
No account of the Asian
region would be complete without a brief description of one of the most well established
and persistent of all the great bar bores of the world - Hateus Japanus Expatricus.
This section will deal primarily with the male of the species, which is far more common in
the Japanese islands. Instantly recognizable by a sizeable paunch and patchy skin, members
of the species can be found throughout Japan although they tend to be in greater numbers
in urban areas. A nocturnal creature, he is most comfortable in the Roppongi district or
other downtown areas of the metropolis and can be glimpsed at play, frolicking among the
city's undergrowth with complete abandon.
The most distinctive feature of this common but infinitely perplexing creature is its
song. Despite being a hunter by nature, once the chances of a successful killing have all
but left (about the time of the last train), Hatetus Japanus Expatricus will
settle into a lengthy and quite distinctive monologue. Varying from a kind of high-pitched
whine to a series of stammered gurgles. The song can last anywhere from 30 minutes to
several hours (believed to be dependent on alcohol intake). Even experts who have
monitored the behavioral patterns of these bizarre and fascinating beast have difficulty
deciphering exactly what the song is designed for. As Dr Dave Calculus of the University
of California explains, "We are fairly certain that it is a form of communication.
Occasionally, there does appear to be a glimmer of recognition on the faces of other
members of the group. They will nod or shake their heads at various points during the
recital. Why, exactly, we are not too sure, but it's almost as if they are talking to each
other. Incredible really."
A typical song is based upon this simple rhythmical pattern. To gain full authenticity,
drink ten pints of lager and slur slightly: "The thing I hate about Japan is blah
blah de blah desu ne. Blah blah the way they blah de blah blah they always stare blah blah
blah desho ... another thing blah blah where's me pint? ... Blah blah they can't speak a
word of English blah blah ... blah not like that at home blah blah desu ne ... blah back
in my country blah blah desu ne ... etc." If accompanied by female of adopted country
the word "daijoubu," which is believed to be a question, is added every
half hour). Notice the occasional use of the native language of the country they are in -
some experts say that this may actually be an attempt to acquire a functional form of
communication. Other fields of thought believe it to be just "talking a load of old
Many thanks to Stephen Cotterill for this Rant.