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Illustration by Marie

I've heard it said over and over how the Japanese pay reverence to four distinct seasons. I've even surprised some people by claiming that the weather in my hometown, New York City, very much resembles that of Tokyo: Cold but little snow in the winter, hot and muggy in the summer, temperate spring and fall.

Eh? is the usual response. You mean, you have four seasons, too?

Well, yes, of course.

Ah, but the Japanese spirit is uniquely attuned to the changes in these seasons.

Bollocks, I say. Case in point: It is, by all external indicators, spring. The calendar says so; the blossoms are blooming; parkas are packed; and the annual mouth mask exhibitions are in full swing. It cannot, however, actually be spring because 7-Eleven is still selling oden. And as anyone worth their shoyu knows, oden is a winter food.

I'll admit that certain out-of-season touches are nice; strawberries in winter, for example. But 7-Eleven oden isn't one of them. It's a primordial muck so dank that life forms once thought to be extinct still inhabit its viscous ooze.

Worse than its appearance, however, is its odor. The 7-Eleven variety of oden exudes an aroma so vile that month-old kitty litter pales in comparison. Once a harbinger of winter, the stench is now a virtual 7-Eleven trademark, an in-your-face, almost physical assault that assails anyone that dares cross the threshold. An aromatic announcement that you have arrived, and that it is winter.

Not any more. If Japanese did truly venerate the distinctions between seasons, someone, somewhere, would make 7-Eleven cease this travesty, this slap in the face to the traditions that many in this country still hold dear. And when that aroma has been defeated, maybe once again people will feel safe to leave their houses without those protective masks.

Many thanks to reader Frank Lee Mift for this Rant.